fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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