if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
