I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Randomize