I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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