i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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