I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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