I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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