why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
