fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
