Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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