Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize