He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
What drink are we having for lunch?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
