I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
