I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
