I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
