I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
