I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
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