Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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