i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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