if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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