Fine. I'll sleep in my office
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
