a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize