problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize