Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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