...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
