At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize