I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
