Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
