I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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