I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
