nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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