if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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