Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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