i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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