Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
