In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
