Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
