then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
