I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
And the cops told us we were all naked.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
