U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize