Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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