Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
