That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
