____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
