why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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