The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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