Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
