just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
