She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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