Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
