Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
