if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
