it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
