I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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