Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
