and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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