just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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